Milton Keynes vicar describes how she questioned God after son heartbreakingly took his own life

A brave MK vicar and mum has spoken out about how she questioned God after the tragic death of her 17-year-old son.

Rev Sharon Grenham-Thompson is minister at St Mary’s Church at Shenley Church End and last week had to endure an inquest into her son’s death.

Talented mathematician and cricket fan Leo Toze was in the final year of his A-levels and due to go to university when he was struck by a train near Biggleswade Railway Station in September 2021. Coroner Dr Sean Cummings has now concluded he died of suicide.

Sharon, in a no holds barred article for the UKs leading Premier Christianity magazine, has written about her feelings following the worst nightmare any parent can face.

The former prison chaplain described how Leo, who had a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, had been suffering with serious depression for well over a year and was taking antidepressants and receiving counselling.

"Accessing mental health support hadn’t been easy, and what we did access was patchy, ” she said.

Days before Leo’s death, Sharon had a call from police in the middle of the night to check Leo’s welfare.

“Some of his online friends were concerned about posts he had made on social media. This was a total shock, and very scary, but Leo was safe in his room. He reassured the officers, and me, that he had simply shared some “dark thoughts” but that he was OK.”

Sharon arranged for time off work and called the mental health crisis line. Leo’s mood seemed to improve and days later he told his mum he was popping into town to buy some books for school.

"He assured me he was fine..‘It will do me good,’ he said. So I wished him a good time.”

Shortly afterward police arrived to break the devastating news.

Sharon remembers little of the following days. “I’m told I screamed and screamed, and eventually collapsed.

“The horror pierced my soul… I’ve been ordained for 24 years, but I’ve run the whole gamut… ‘God is a delusion, God is (insert expletive), God is cruel, God has abandoned me, God is punishing me. Why God? Where are you God?’

“I remember driving in the car one day and shouting at God: “It’s all right for you, you got your son back!”

Sharon was away from her ministry for months and was diagnosed with depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

"When you’re also feeling conflicted about the one you’ve given your life to serve, there’s very little solid ground,” she said.

But gradually, she says, she began to see “moments of light and love” through the heartbreak.

Now Sharon is determined to help other people going through mental health battles.

“I’m acutely aware of the mental health provision gaps in this country and want to use what platform I have to highlight that lack and campaign for more, and better,” she said.

“There are so many suffering and grieving people. It seems that our young people are bewildered, alienated and lonely. We have to change this.”

When life is difficult, the Samaritans are there – day or night, 365 days a year. Call them for free on 116 123, email them at [email protected], or visit their website.